


Running

by WinterPhantom



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: ...Yeah Mostly Just Angst, Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Established Relationship, Everybody Gets Along Yay, F/M, Flashbacks, Mutant Reader, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Reader is (almost) an Avenger, Reader-Insert, There's some actual fluff in here now too!!, You Have Fire Powers!!, You are Close to Tony and Bruce Yay Science, bucky is an avenger, fluffy flashbacks, just a bit of fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-01-07 23:21:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12242607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinterPhantom/pseuds/WinterPhantom
Summary: You pushed away the one person who would understand you better than anyone else… but how long can you keep running?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm finally writing again after months of writer's block. This took me quite a while to come up with, so I hope you guys enjoy it! There's not much about the relationship in this chapter, but trust me, it's coming. Thank you for reading!

There were two conditions to your arrangement. Number one: you had to stay in the country. Two: you had to keep in touch with Tony. So, you pry your forehead away from the cool glass window of the train and pull your phone out of your backpack.  


A backpack and a suitcase.  


That was all you had now.  


You try to think of something interesting to say, simply so that you don’t keep sending him the same dozen-word emails. You start to wonder if that isn’t satisfactory enough, and what that would mean for you. You don’t think he would blow your cover, but you never know. Things weren’t exactly going well with the Avengers and the moment and you definitely didn’t want to push him.  


Especially since it was your fault.  


So you type out a few phrases about what you’d done recently and some slightly interesting random things that you’d seen.  
That would have to do. You hit send.  


You didn’t really expect a reply, you rarely got one anyways. An update on the situation here and there. Occasionally he’d check in and ask how you were, but you usually avoided that type of discussion, so he’d basically given up. You didn’t blame him.  


Today, however, you kind of wished that he’d reply. You hated to admit it, but you were feeling kind of lonely. You’d never admit that to Tony, of course; you knew exactly what he would suggest... And anything would be better than that. So you bear it as you turn your gaze out to the window again.  


Surprisingly, you get your wish. Your phone dings moments later.

_I need to talk to you asap. I’m calling in 15. Be ready, I’ll have to be quick._

_Tony_

This makes you nervous. He’s not supposed to call you; it’s risky. Someone could overhear you or, if they got their hands on his phone, trace your new number. _Someone._ Okay, one person in particular.

Luckily, your train stops at its destination. You get off and hop into a cab, making it to your hotel room moments before the phone rings. You take a few deep breaths to calm your racing heart, then accept the call.

\--  
You’d met the Avengers when you took a position assisting Bruce and Tony in the lab. At least, that’s what you told people. In reality, that was only half of the truth. You usually left out the part where Tony Stark had reached out to you after a certain incident (and some unfortunately placed security cameras) brought your “gift” to his attention.  


That was the nice way of saying that you set part of his tower on fire. Accidentally, of course.  


So, Tony had offered to help you tame your fiery powers and in return you’d help out in his lab. There were worse things to have on your resume than work experience with a billionaire, so you’d hesitantly accepted. That and of course you would rather have the option to _not_ set things on fire every time you got angry. You actually ended up really enjoying working with him and Bruce. Along with your genuine interest in science, the latter understood your worries about your lack of control over your powers; he also (obviously) struggled with the same thing. You and Tony quickly fell into a routine of sarcasm and amicable banter. After a few months, they felt like family. A home away from home.  


Despite this, Tony had made it clear that his end goal was bringing you in as a member of the Avengers. So, during this time, you met with all sorts of trainers and specialists Tony had hired in order to get a hold over your abilities. You made progress, and while you weren’t a hundred percent sure that you had your powers under complete control, things were definitely improving.  


Then came the time to introduce you to the rest of the team. You’d seen a few of them around while working in the compound, but you usually tried to keep out of their way… and also you were totally star struck. But, to your surprise, everything went pretty smoothly when Tony and Bruce introduced you to the team. You got along well with all of them. Maybe _too_ well with one.  


So while you weren’t yet officially a member of the team, you kind of felt like one. You’d moved into the compound and started accompanying them on some missions, although you usually would wait in the jet with Bruce. You two were last resorts, at least until you got yourself more in control. You had only ever actively participated in one.  


That was when everything went wrong.  


And then you ran.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't help the cliff-hangers. I'm sorry. The second chapter is almost done and will be up soon, I promise. If you made it this far, thank you and I hope you enjoyed the beginning of this story. As usual, feedback is welcome if you want to give it. If you liked this, you might enjoy my first series, Waking Up, which you can find [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8601133/chapters/19724311).
> 
> Hope you have a great day/night. :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What, or _who,_ does Tony need to talk to you about?

“Listen, kid, I can’t keep him here any longer. He knows that I know more than I say I do. Unless you want me to actually lock him up somewhere, he’s going to come after you.”

“You can’t let him do that, Tony. He’ll find me somehow. You know who we’re talking about here.” You try not to sound as panicked as you feel.

“Maybe you should just… talk to him?”

“I can’t. You know I can’t face him, not after what hap-“ 

“He understands, you know. Stop torturing yourself. Stop torturing him.” Tony is pleading with you now.

“Tony, no. I can’t. You promised-”

“I’m not going to give you away. But you know I can’t stop him. You can’t keep running from this forever.”

You don’t respond. Tony sighs.

“Fine, then make sure you keep moving. Lie low. I’ll do whatever I can to slow him down, but he’s beyond determined by now.” 

“Thank you, Tony. For everything,” you respond sincerely.

“Anything for you, kid. Gotta go. I’ll send you an update when I know where he is.”

“Wait, what? You don’t know where-“

He hangs up.

Great, you think to yourself. It’s finally happening. The former Winter Soldier – a trained assassin – is coming after you. If you’re being honest, you knew Bucky would try to find you eventually. You were just hoping that he wouldn’t.

And he’s not coming after you to kill you, or to capture you.  
He’s coming to try to bring you back.  
Because you were stupid enough to let him fall in love with you.

\--

You hadn’t meant for any of this to happen. You never wanted to fall for Bucky Barnes, and you never dreamed that he’d reciprocate. Sure, you knew who all of the Avengers were before you’d met them. And sure, you though Bucky Barnes was gorgeous. Who didn’t? And yeah, maybe you had a little crush. Ok, so it didn’t take long for your feelings for Bucky to develop into something more.

Of course, Bucky was incredibly polite and charming when he’d met you. You knew that he struggled for a long time to come to terms with what had happened to him, to stop blaming himself for everything. He’d told you about it later. But, by the time you’d met him, he had made some serious progress. According to Steve, he was basically “back to his old self.” Obviously, he was still dealing with some issues, but he’d seemed content.

You’re not totally sure how everything progressed from polite friendliness to something more – it was a bit of a blur. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that your pop culture knowledge was probably the best of anyone at the compound, so you were tasked to help him and Steve catch up on what they’d missed. Maybe it was because your room was so close to Bucky’s, so you often bumped into each other in the hall, and ended up engrossed in conversation or crying with laughter. Maybe, since you hardly slept and Bucky still dealt with the occasional nightmare, the proximity of your rooms is why he started knocking on your door to hang out or watch a movie when he couldn’t sleep. Maybe you fell asleep one too many times just to wake up and find yourself tangled up in his arms.

Or maybe it was just because he definitely made the best hot chocolate.

However it happened, you and Bucky became a couple. He’d even bought you flowers and asked you to officially be his girlfriend. You’d teased him for being old-fashioned but accepted anyways. Tony loved to make jokes about you melting his heart and whatever other “winter” related puns he could manage, but you knew he was actually happy for you.

You wished you could go back to before. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to see Bucky, in fact, it was killing you to be away from him; to not see his face or hear his voice. But you absolutely were not ready to face him. You doubted that you ever would be.

And you were determined to make sure you wouldn’t have to.

He could try, but you would do everything in your power to make sure that Bucky Barnes never found you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanted to quickly get this up since I'm busy with midterms, so I'll try to get chapter 3 up in a week or so when things settle down. Hope you guys like where this is going! 
> 
> Also, I really can't write a story without hot chocolate in it. I saw an opportunity and took it. I'm probably the only one who thought it was funny, lol.
> 
> Thanks for reading this far and feel free to give me any feedback if you'd like to. :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky is looking for you, and you can't stop thinking about him.

The paranoia was getting to you. Every sound made you jump. Every person that you passed became suspicious. 

You had moved on to a new city since Tony’s call, just in case somehow Bucky found out about it. Maybe your paranoia was unwarranted; maybe it wasn’t. After all, if anyone could track you down it would be him. Although, Tony also had many resources to make sure you stayed off the radar, so perhaps you didn’t need to worry so much. 

The last update you got from Tony confirmed that Bucky had finally left to come and look for you. He’d been all over New York since you’d left, trying to get any kind of information on your whereabouts. After a while, he’d figured out that Tony had to know more about what happened to you. His excuse that you’d just disappeared overnight without saying a word worked for a while, but he knew that if Tony was really looking for you as he said he was, he would have found _something._ Security cameras, trackers, contacts, and money to hire people; Tony had it all. So Bucky had confronted him multiple times, begging him for information, but Tony never budged.

This had obviously caused tension among the Avengers, and you felt awful about it. They hadn’t been very productive since you’d left, barely pulling off a few missions. Bucky was completely out of commission, going insane over your disappearance. 

You felt awful about that too. 

But you figured that it was better to get it over with quickly. If you left, he’d have to get over you, right?

Clearly, your plan hadn’t worked as well as you’d hoped. 

A tall man in a baseball cap and sunglasses catches your eye, jarring you from your thoughts. For just a second, you think it’s him. It is the team’s favorite disguise, after all. But it isn’t Bucky; his stride, the slump of his shoulders… none of it matches. You’d memorized every aspect of Bucky, his gestures, his mannerisms, his perfect features. You knew you’d recognize him anywhere. 

You decide you can’t take being out in a crowd any more, and that it’s best to head back to where you’re staying before something actually scares you to death. When you get back to your room, you head straight to the bed, overwhelmed. And for just a few minutes, you let yourself think, back to when things were simpler.

\--

_A dramatic sigh distracts you from the show you’re watching. You peer to see a pouting Bucky Barnes sitting next to you on the sofa._

_Stifling a giggle, you ask, “What’s wrong, Buck?”_

_He crosses his arms and sighs at you again, apparently offended at your amusement._

_You raise your eyebrows questioningly at him._

_He huffs and throws himself over you, laying his head on your lap._

_“I’m tired. Come to bed?” he asks as he peers up at you with his crystal blue eyes, some stray strands of hair falling in his face._

_You giggle at his adorableness._

_“Okay, just let me finish this episode, alright?”_

_He groans again and wraps his arm around your waist, closing his eyes._

_“Sleep,” he whines._

_“Literally just five minutes, Buck.”_

_He pouts again, blinking his pretty, puppy-dog eyes at you._

_You can’t help but grin at him._

_“Fine,” you sigh with false annoyance, “you’re impossible.”_

_He smirks at you, and out of nowhere heaves you over his shoulder. You squeal at him, but he just chuckles heartily._

_“I thought you were tired,” you quip as he lays you down on the bed._

_In response, he flops down beside you and buries his head in the crook of your neck, flinging his arms around you._

_“I am,” he mumbles._

\--

You wake up with a start, and for a second, you think it’s real. Then the emptiness beside you in the bed registers, and you feel the smile fall from your face. It can’t be real. Not ever again. You sigh, ignoring the pang in your chest, and close your eyes again.

You don’t get any more sleep that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, some Bucky in the story! I love pouty Bucky and I'm unapologetic about it.
> 
> I'm sorry that this is a little short, some of the chapters just end up that way. I'll give you some longer ones soon, I promise. :)
> 
> I really appreciate all the kudos and stuff you guys have left so far. I'm glad some people are enjoying the story. You're all awesome.
> 
> Next chapter soon!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No one can find Bucky. You hope he won't find you. But why did you leave in the first place?

New city, new room, new everything. You’d been moving around an awful lot since Bucky had left the Avengers to find you. You had no idea where he was going, but moving around seemed to be the best strategy to avoid him. 

None of Tony’s contacts had spotted him in a few weeks. You didn’t know if that was a good thing or not. For all Bucky knew, you could be in another country, another continent. You had no idea where he would start looking. 

Bucky wouldn’t answer Tony’s calls or messages. _You_ knew that _he_ knew that _Tony_ knew something about where you were… _Gosh_ , this was all getting so complicated. You weren’t sure whether or not he had figured out that you were in regular contact. Either way, he probably suspected that Tony could contact you somehow and didn’t want to give himself away. You had no way of knowing where he was.

Kind of ironic, wasn’t it?

\--

_You woke up in your room, and couldn’t remember how you got there. Shifting your gaze, you saw Tony sitting beside your bed._

_And then it all came rushing back to you._

_“Oh god, Tony, what did I-“_

_“Shh, it’s okay. We’re all okay,” he interrupts you. The worry in his eyes only alarms you more._

_“Bucky? Is he-“_

_“Fine, kid. Stop worrying. The only person we’re worried about is you.” He smiles, even though it looks a little pained._

_“I don’t know how it happened. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t-I mean I-“_

_“Kid, will you stop talking for one second? Nothing happened. We all got out fine.”_

_You sigh, but keep your mouth shut._

_“You just sort of… collapsed. Scared the hell out of us. You’ve been out for almost a day. Barnes is going nuts, but I kept him out. Only me and Bruce have been in here keeping an eye on you.” At this, he gestures to the other side of the room where you see Bruce standing. He gives you a little wave, and you swear you can see sympathy in his eyes._

_You try to muster a smile, then turn back to Tony._

_“You can’t let him in here,” you state._

_“Who?” Tony’s eyebrows knit together in confusion._

_“Bucky,” you whisper._

_“He really wants to see you,” Tony responds._

_“Tony, no, I can’t. Please,” you plead with him, then turn to Bruce._

_He nods at you._

_“Tony… if she needs time, we better give it to her.”_

_Tony looks between you and Bruce._

_“He won’t be happy.”_

_“I know,” you sigh._

_You told them you wanted some time alone, and they obliged. Tony went to tell Bucky that you’d woken up but were still too drained to deal with people. You were sure Bucky would protest, but he’d listen if he thought it was best for you._

_He always wanted what was best for you, and you wanted what was best for him._

_And so your plan began to form._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes, I'm sorry that this took so long to get up. November wasn't a great month for me and I've had exams all December, but I'm finally able to write and post again now. Yay!
> 
> I know this chapter is pretty short but the next one will be longer!
> 
> If you've been following this since the beginning, thank you for your patience and for sticking around this whole time. If this is your first time reading, thanks for stopping by and I hope you're enjoying it. :)
> 
> I promise the next chapter will actually be up soon.
> 
> P.S.: Like last year I'm going to try to post a festive oneshot for Christmas, so keep an eye out for that!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The moment you've been dreading.

You’re sitting in a coffee shop when you see him.

Caffeine had become necessary for you to keep functioning despite your constant sleepless nights. You hadn’t heard from Tony; he said he’d only contact you if he got information. Otherwise, he was being careful just in case Bucky was somehow tracking you through him. Since you were left to your own devices, your mind was continuously wandering. Most of your days were filled with paranoia and a jumble of memories about Bucky that you wished you could forget. As the aroma of coffee surrounds you, something stirs in your head.

\--

_You wake up to the scent of coffee and… pancakes?_

_You push your hair out of your face and slide out of bed, grabbing one of Bucky’s sweaters from the ground. Pulling it on, you shuffle out to the kitchen._

_Bucky is standing over the stove, frying pan in hand, humming a tune you don’t recognize. His hair is messily tied back, and you take a minute to appreciate the way his white t-shirt clings to his torso._

_You stifle a laugh as you watch him move, and he turns and meets your gaze. He grins at you and continues with his cooking._

_“Someone’s happy this morning,” you quip at him, unable to stop the smile spreading across your face._

_He flips the pancakes onto a plate, and slides it over to you._

_“Always, doll.” His blue eyes twinkle as he smirks at you. He watches as you take a bite._

_“What do you think?”_

_“I think it’s good, and I also think you’re cute.” He chuckles at that. “Thank you for this, Buck.”_

_He leans over and kisses your forehead._

_“Anything for my best girl.”_

\--

Something snaps you back to reality. You feel like… you’re being watched.

You look up and lock eyes with him. The eyes you were just imagining. Only they’re not sparkling and warm this time. They’re wide, shocked, and… empty. 

Bucky stands, frozen in place, just inside of the door. You barely register the rest of him and your gazes stay locked. He’s wearing a baseball cap pulled low over his face and a dark jacket with the collar popped up. A smattering of stubble covers his once clean-shaven jawline. The most noticeable difference, though, is the deep purple bags underneath his eyes. _Looks like you’re not the only one in desperate need of caffeine._ You imagine you look much the same to him.

You’re unable to tear your eyes away from his. You feel a pang in your chest. As much as you want to run to him, to pull him into your arms… you know you can’t. Not after all that’s happened. Still, your resolve falters for just a second. It hurts to see him again; a reminder of what could have been. 

You realize you have to get away, and panic starts to set in. You can’t let all of this be for nothing, you can’t let him bring you back. Bucky still hasn’t moved, his expression unchanging. You rise, slowly, from your table, careful not to jolt him out of whatever trance he’s in. You back away, grateful that you’d been to this café before and knew that there was a back door. You turn quickly and speed down the narrow hallway leading to the door. Your streak of luck continues, as just as you make it out the door, a bus pulls up to the stop a few feet down the road. You rush over and don’t look back again until you’re stepping into it. Bucky doesn’t seem to have followed you. You know now that he’s seen you, it’s only a matter of time until he finds you again. But just for a moment, you allow yourself to breathe a sigh of relief as you take a seat, alone, leaving you with just the pounding of your own heart in your ears and the ghost of the man you loved imprinted behind your eyes.

\--

You ride the bus for what feels like hours. You have no idea where it’s going, driving through an unfamiliar part of the strange city you’d been calling home this week. When you can finally hear your own thoughts over the roaring of your heart, you pull out your phone and punch in Tony’s number. Maybe he is tracking it, but Bucky’s already found you, so what does it matter?

“Hey kid, you okay?” There’s an edge of panic in Tony’s voice.

“I saw him,” you reply quietly.

There’s a pause.

“Did… did he see you?” You hear some rustling and clattering in the background. He must be in the lab.

“Yeah.”

“So, what happened?” he asks, and distantly you hear him muttering something to someone else. 

“I left.”

A surprised chuff comes from the other end of the line.

“He just let you leave?” More indistinct chatter. “Banner’s here, by the way. You’re on speaker.”

“Hey, Bruce,” you mumble, “I don’t know. He sort of… froze. I ran before he could follow me.”

“He probably felt like he was seeing a ghost. Maybe he couldn’t tell if you were actually real… you know how he can get.” You wince at the words. You know Tony is probably right, and it hurts. “He’ll find you again.” It wasn’t a question.

“I know.”

Another silence.

“What are you going to do?” Tony asks.

You sigh.

“Honestly, I have no clue. Either of you geniuses have any ideas?”

“Sorry kid, you’re on your own for this one.”

“Bruce?”

“Nothing you haven’t heard before. Good luck.”

\--

_“Just so you know, this whole running thing, it doesn’t really work. You can’t run from it forever. I’ve tried.”_

_You’re sitting with Bruce while Tony’s out finalizing some things before you leave._

_“How am I supposed to face him? I have to go, Bruce.”_

_“I’ve been there, and I respect that you need space. But he’s like us, you know. If anyone can understand what you’re going through, it’s him.” He looks at you pointedly._

_“So can you.”_

_“Which is why I’m telling you that this won’t fix it. Go and get some space for a while. Clear your head. And then come back.”_

_You don’t respond._

_“Trust me, you can’t ever really escape this. It’s part of who you are. You’re better off with us, where you can keep learning how to get everything under control.”_

_“I don’t want to hurt anyone,” you say, quietly._

_“You’re hurting him more by leaving.”_

_You shake your head. After a pause, Bruce starts talking again._

_“Just don’t be gone for too long, okay? It’s more fun in the lab with you around.” He offers you a small smile._

_You return it, albeit a bit sadly._

_“I’ll miss you guys too.”_

\--

It’s dark when you get back to your hotel. You debated just skipping town without going back there, but you didn’t want to lose what remained of your belongings and money, although you knew Tony had plenty more to spare. You still didn’t have a plan. You didn’t know if you’d ever be ready to face Bucky. But how else could you push him away? You had been running from him for weeks, but you knew you weren’t strong enough to purposely hurt him to his face, especially if he was in as poor of a state as you’d been told that he was. You kept telling yourself it was what was best for him, wondering if that would be enough when the time came.

Turns out that would be sooner than you had expected. 

When you open the door of your hotel room, you realize your mistake. There’s a figure sitting on the bed. You recognize his silhouette immediately. 

You had no plan, and Bucky Barnes was sitting mere feet away from you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliffhanger again. Sorry! 
> 
> I gave you some fluff here to prepare you for the next chapter. It's pretty angsty. Prepare yourselves, lol.
> 
> I wrote a lot over my Christmas break and I'm really ahead, so the next few chapters should all be up fairly soon. :)
> 
> Thanks for reading and happy 2018!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Face to face with Bucky Barnes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little warning: this gets pretty angsty. There's a lot of Bucky angst, reader angst, self-blame, mentions of mind control and the intention of violence (nothing graphic actually occurs).

For a moment, neither of you speak. You hear the door shut behind you. Bucky sits on the bed, elbows resting on his thighs. His form is lit dimly from the lamp beside him. He looks up at you, and you inadvertently step backwards, your back now pressing against the door.

Bucky says your name, but you barely register the broken sound. His voice is quiet and scratchy, like he hasn’t used it in a while. His gaze locks on yours again, and you notice he mostly looks tired, but a glint of hope remains in his eyes. You try to look anywhere else, but you can’t seem to tear your eyes away. 

When you don’t respond, he makes a move to stand up, but you recoil more at the action, pressing yourself up harder against the door, snapping out of your frozen stance. A flicker of emotion passes behind his eyes as he tentatively sits back down.

“Please… go,” you hear yourself say, in a voice as soft and strange as his own. You guess you hadn’t been talking much either.

The hurt and confusion is evident on his face. It makes your heart ache, but your resolve remains intact for the time being.

He opens his mouth to respond, but no sound comes out.

“I’ll… I’ll call security, or the police, or scream-“

“No, you won’t.” Bucky cuts you off, shaking his head slightly.

You’re taken aback by his abruptness. He knows you too well; he knows you wouldn’t let anyone touch him, let alone send people after him yourself. You struggle to come up with a response. There’s another pause, and Bucky speaks again.

“Why?” he asks, simply. You can tell he’s trying to remain expressionless, but the anguish in his voice betrays him.

You blink at him. Your mind is whirring, and this time you’re the one that freezes up.

“Did I… did I do something wrong?” He’s looking at you with those big puppy dog eyes, the ones that always melted your heart. He’s hurting and you know it.

You manage to avert your gaze as you fight the urge to run to him, to wrap your arms around him, to tell him it’s okay. He lets out a sharp breath.

“Please, just… talk to me,” he whispers, his voice small and raspy.

As your gaze flicks back to him, you see him rake his hands through his unkempt hair, a few inches longer than you remember. His blue eyes are watery, searching your own for any trace of emotion or answers. His mask of stoicism has disappeared and the desperation is obvious on his face. 

You clench your jaw, a final attempt to keep it together. You close your eyes, trying to block out the scene in front of you. If you were being honest with yourself, you knew all along this would never really work – you knew Bucky too well to know that he wouldn’t give up on you. You knew you couldn’t run from him forever, and you knew this wouldn’t fix you. It was something you felt like you had to do to protect him, to protect everyone. But now, you saw the reality of the situation: you had destroyed Bucky and you had destroyed yourself. You’d damn near destroyed the Avengers. And for what? Was it worth all of this?

As your thoughts overwhelm you, you feel your knees give out and you slide to the floor, burying your head in your hands, unable to face what you’d done. There’s a silence that lasts for what could be seconds, minutes, or hours; time seeming to stop and speed up all at once. You know Bucky is still there, you can feel his presence. Then, softly, a hand is placed over your own.

“Hey…” Bucky murmurs, gently pulling your hands from your face. He’s crouching in front of you, eyes burning into your own. When you avoid his gaze, he lightly places a finger beneath your chin, persuading you to look at him. 

His expression is a mixture of sincere worry and confusion; he still doesn’t know why you left, whose fault it was, or what’s wrong with you, but even after all this time it’s obvious he still cares. Something in his eyes reminds you of the last time you looked into them before you left. 

\--

_Bucky’s saying your name over and over again, a tone of desperation in his voice. You hear him but you can’t stop yourself, can’t snap out of this._

_His eyes are panicked, searching for a hint of the person he knows is inside. Your eyes flit around, the rest of the team restrained by some invisible force, unable to do anything but watch._

_“I know you’re still in there. You can fight this. Please. I know you can.” He can’t move._

Kill him, _the voice says. You shake your head, your fingers heating up as you feel hot tears stream down your face. You close your eyes, trying to force it out. A deep laugh rumbles inside your mind._ You can’t fight me, _it states._ Do it, do it now!

_The pleading look in Bucky’s eyes changes to something else. Defeat. Acceptance. You swear you can feel your heart ripping in two._

_“I know this isn’t you, doll. It’s not your fault.” Bucky closes his eyes, resigning himself to his fate. You try to fight as hard as you can. It doesn’t work._

_You’re screaming on the inside, pushing and shoving with everything you have at the presence in your head. Frustrated tears continue to pour out of your eyes as you battle for control._

_“I forgive you.”_

_Your heart breaks._

_The world goes black._

\--

Bucky narrows his eyes as you push the memory away. He can tell you’re thinking about something.

“Talk to me,” he pleads again, softly.

The void where your heart should be throbs. _No,_ you think. You can’t ever let something like that happen again. You couldn’t keep putting him in danger. Not if you loved him. And you did.

You duck underneath his arm, writhing your wrist free from his grasp, and dart into the bathroom, slamming the door and locking it behind you. Bucky bangs on the door, begging you over and over to let him in. _I can’t,_ you think to yourself. You crumple to the floor, and try to block out his pleas by covering your ears with your hands. Eventually, your exhaustion overtakes you. You find yourself lying on the cold, tile floor. The last thing you hear is Bucky mumbling incoherently from the other side of the door.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you.”

Another pang deep in your chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Bucky but I constantly make him suffer, I'm sorry.
> 
> Even though this is probably the most angsty thing I've written (lol), I'm actually quite proud of it. It may be my favourite chapter of anything I've ever written. I hope it didn't disappoint you guys.
> 
> Next chapter should be up within a week or so. Thanks for reading!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How do you even begin to explain yourself to Bucky?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings from last chapter still apply; the angst continues.

A light tapping on the door beside you wakes you from a restless sleep.

“Just… tell me you’re okay in there. Please.”

At the sound of his drained, raspy voice, the events of the previous night come rushing back to you. Light spills from beneath the door. You guess it’s morning. Bucky must’ve stayed there all night.

You stretch your arms, back and neck aching from sleeping on the hard floor. Your spine cracks as you sit up, scooting further away from the door. You wrack your brain for any way to get out of this situation.

You hear some movement outside the door. For a moment you wonder if he’s leaving, but you know you couldn’t be that lucky.

Your phone rings. You pull it out of your pocket. _Tony._

You hesitate, but answer.

“Okay, good, you’re alive.”

“Unfortunately,” you mutter groggily.

“You don’t sound too good, kid.”

“You don’t say.”

He chuckles at that.

“He tell you to call me?” You’re pretty sure you already know the answer.

“Look, you’ve been unresponsive locked in a bathroom for the whole night. You can’t blame the guy for being a little concerned.”

“I don’t blame him,” you respond quietly.

Another voice says your name seriously. _Did Tony and Bruce ever leave the lab?_

“Talk to him,” Bruce pleads.

“I don’t know how,” you hear yourself respond. You hadn’t really meant for it to come out, but you couldn’t deny that it was the truth. What do you say to the man whose heart you broke? You didn’t know how to begin to explain what you’d done. You didn’t know how to face him. Things couldn’t go back to the way they were, you wouldn’t let them. How could you convince him this was the right thing to do?

“Yes, you do. You know him better than anyone else. Maybe it’s time for you to come back, anyways. You’ve been on your own too long.” Tony waits for your answer.

You just sigh. A grumble from your stomach reminds you that you hadn’t eaten in almost a day. You guess you really did need to leave, if only to get some food.

Bucky knocks on the door again, louder this time.

“Get out there!” You guess Tony must have heard it.

“Bye, guys.” You sigh again in exasperation and end the call, sliding your phone back into your pocket.

Bucky was just as stubborn as you were. 

“Please come out.” 

You stand up and splash some cold water on your face. You peer into the mirror. Your reflection looks… tired, mostly. You pull your hair back out of your face and steel yourself. 

You quietly step towards the door, and after a brief pause, open it a crack. You appear to startle Bucky, standing just behind the door, as he stumbles backwards slightly. He watches you, mouth slightly agape. His hair is loose and messy, and the dark circles beneath his eyes somehow look worse than they did the previous day. You stride past him, doing your best to be nonchalant, and you feel him following behind you. 

Before he gets a chance to speak, you grab the hotel phone next to the bed, sit down, and dial room service. Bucky narrows his eyes and tenses, but visibly relaxes as he hears you place an order. When you turn and raise your eyebrows expectantly at him, the confusion returns. You roll your eyes, pick up the menu next to the phone and flick it at him. If he wouldn’t leave, you could at least make sure he didn’t starve. Realization dawns on his face, accompanied by slight shock, and he mutters something about coffee and a bagel. You repeat his words and hang up the phone.

You look down at your hands. An awkward silence settles over you two. Bucky clears his throat, but says nothing. 

“I’m not going back.” You sound more sure than you actually are.

“Why?” Bucky looks down at you, pain etched on his features, as he speaks quietly. “Why did you even leave?”

You meet his eyes.

“I… I couldn’t do it anymore. I can’t do it anymore.”

“The Avengers? Or,” he swallows before softly adding, “us?”

You turn to stare out the window.

“All of it.”

You can sense the way you just hurt him. As if you hadn’t done enough.

“Was it because of what happened? Because I couldn’t stop him? Because I didn’t protect you?”

He’s moved so he’s kneeling beside you now, guilt written all over his face. You can’t help but look. His pale blue eyes are searching your own, begging for forgiveness for whatever he believes he did wrong.

“I thought… I thought something happened to you, I didn’t know if you were…” He swallows, unable to complete his sentence. 

Remorse overtakes you. You blink in attempt to hold back the tears threatening to spill from your eyes.

“You don’t understand,” you whisper.

“Then help me to,” he responds.

Your gazes lock once more. You want to tell him. You feel your resolve crumbling. As you search for the right words, something changes in Bucky’s eyes. Some kind of... _recognition._

There’s a knock on the door. 

“Room service!”

You break eye contact, standing quickly and rushing towards the door. The moment is gone.

\--

You place the tray on the small table in your room. You sit. Bucky stays standing by the bed, studying you. You motion for him to take a seat in the empty chair next to you. The both of you eat in silence as you avoid looking at him, but you can tell that there’s something on Bucky’s mind. 

“Please, come back with me. We can figure this out.” Bucky is the first to break the silence this time. 

You shake your head.

“Let me help you… you don’t look so good.”

You raise your eyebrows at him. His eyes widen.

“No, no I-I didn’t mean it like that,” he stumbles over his words, his face flushing. “I mean, you always look good, you know, but you look like you haven’t slept, like you’re not well…” he keeps rambling.

It’s funny in a way, how awkward this feels. You used to be so at ease with each other. It’s painful too, but… he’s _so cute_ when he’s flustered.

“I could say the same to you.” You can’t help but smirk at him despite yourself.

His mouth quirks slightly.

“You’d be right,” he sighs, and your expression sobers. A few stray strands of hair fall over his face. He pushes them back, then reaches a hand across the small table, imploring you to take it with his eyes. “Come back with me, please.”

You shake your head vehemently, ignoring his outstretched hand.

“You still don’t underst-“

“I do,” Bucky interrupts, “You’re blaming yourself.” 

You stare back at him, shocked. 

“I’m surprised that it took me so long,” he continues, shaking his head. “But with the way you were looking at me earlier… I’d recognize that look anywhere. I saw it in the mirror every day for years.” His gaze unfocuses for a moment, and you can tell he’s remembering.

You wince. You never wanted Bucky to think back to that time. He’d gotten so much better. The thought of undoing him with your own problems terrified you. 

“What I don’t understand,” he resumes, dark eyebrows drawing together as he studies you intently, “is what you’re blaming yourself for. You didn’t hurt anyone. You fought it off. You saved us. So why are you so guilty?”

Your thoughts stray back to that day.

\--

_When you were called in, the mission was actually going pretty well. There were a few more enemies than the team had prepared for, but your training had been proceeding quite successfully. You had gained much more control over your powers and were less of a risk than, say, Bruce. So, Tony had called you in for some work experience._

_When you arrive, you notice that the team has pretty much taken care of everything. You’re not surprised, they were annoyingly efficient. Tony speaks to you over your com._

_“Hey, kid. Wanna go help out Barnes?”_

_You look over and spot Bucky across the room, easily taking down a few remaining enemies. He catches your eye as you smile at him, and winks. You stifle a giggle. Damn that super soldier serum, everything was always too easy for him._

_“I’ll take that as a yes,” Tony retorts after witnessing your exchange._

_You shoot a few fire blasts, taking down some stragglers as you make your way to Bucky. After a moment, the room is empty, besides the team._

_At least, you’d thought it was. A figure steps out of the shadows, deep voice bouncing off of the walls of the room._

_“Finally, something I can have some fun with.” A deep chuckle fills your ears. “Yes, you’ll do just fine.”_

_Before anyone can react, the masked figure raises a hand, placing the other one on where you assume it’s temple would be, if it’s human. You can’t tell._

_You realize you can’t move. Looking around, you realize that no one else can either. You and Bucky lock eyes as fear courses through your veins. You blink as you feel something tugging, pulling at your mind._

_“Doll?” Bucky questions, your panic reflected in his blue eyes._

_“Ah, yes,” the figure laughs again. “You know, I was kind of hoping for the big green guy... but you are perfect. Time to finally end the Avengers. Now,” he pauses, “where to start?”_

_Your eyes widen as you feel it again. Bucky’s voice fades to the background as you try to push it out._

_“Well, isn’t this perfect? Poetic, even. Your true love. A fatal attraction, a tragic romance. We can start there. Say goodbye to your beloved super soldier.”_

_For the first time ever, you see that Bucky looks truly terrified. You can’t make it stop. You feel yourself moving closer. And then, the voice commands you to kill him in your head._

\--

Tony would tell you later that you let out a bloodcurdling scream. Bucky had stood before you, eyes closed. The rest of the team watched, paralyzed. You turned, somehow breaking the hold the figure had had on you, arms raised, and fired an explosive beam directly at the figure, incinerating it completely. He’d claimed your eyes were glowing white, burning with pure rage. Then you’d collapsed. You had later woken up back at the tower, when you’d decided to run away. 

You pull yourself out of the memory, and search your mind for the words that could make him see why you’d had to do what you did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter for you guys. I hope you all liked it!
> 
> I'm still trying for weekly updates, so expect part 8 this time next week.
> 
> Thanks for all the kudos and comments so far, they're very much appreciated. :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will you tell Bucky the truth? Will he understand?

You blink at Bucky, as he waits for your response. Of course he’s figured out exactly what you’re feeling; he could always read you like a book. But he still doesn’t get it. He still hasn’t put together _why_ you’d left. You don’t know how to start. 

“Do you hate me so much?” It comes out faintly, wearily. 

At that your eyes widen, as you see him close his eyes in exasperation, the hand that he’d previously held out for you clenching into a fist.

“Do I not even deserve an explanation? You just… left. Gone, without a word. You didn’t even give me a chance to help you, to apologize…”

“I don’t hate you,” you reply timidly. You couldn’t stand that he kept blaming himself. This was exactly what you were trying to avoid. 

“Then why would you do this to me? I _loved_ you!” His eyes snap open. You wince at his use of past tense. He’s struggling to keep his voice down, his anger and sadness fusing together as his jaw clenches. “And you abandoned me, left me to worry about what happened to you, if you were even _alive_! What could I have done that was _so_ bad, to deserve this…” Finally his voice cracks, the heartbreak overcoming the passion.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” you mutter sheepishly, eyes downcast.

“Why… why are you so _confusing?_ ” His voice stays quiet, but it’s intense, a million emotions playing across his blue gaze. “I was sure, if I found you, you’d either tell me you hated my guts or I’d have to rescue you from somewhere or I’d find out that Stark was making you stay away… But you push me away, beg me to leave, and won’t talk to me. Then you tell me you don’t hate me, that I didn’t do anything.” He throws up his hands, both metal and flesh, in frustration, before roughly pushing them back through his hair. “I know you feel guilty, but why can’t you just tell me what it is? What was so important that you had to run away from me?”

_Now or never._

“You,” you state, finally working up the courage to look at him again.

Bucky’s eyes go wide at your words, then he tilts his head as his eyebrows pull together. He’s visibly perplexed by your response as his hands fall back onto the table.

“What?” he asks you, bewildered.

“You. That’s what was so important to me.”

“You left me… because I mattered to you?” His eyebrows lower even more, the crease between them deepening.

“Because I couldn’t lose you.” Your voice breaks despite your best efforts.

His eyes soften at this, but his confusion is still evident.

“Because I’ve only ever wanted to protect you,” you continue, softly. “To make you happy. And I almost killed you.” You whisper the last part.

Now his eyebrows shoot up. He’s silent for a minute.

“That wasn’t you.” He shakes his head stubbornly.

You bark out what sounds like a humorless laugh.

“Yes, it was. _I_ almost killed you, and _you_ didn’t even fight it.” Your own voice starts to rise. For a moment, you’re angry at him. For making this harder for you. For not seeing how much danger you presented to him. For ever loving you in the first place.

“But… I couldn’t move,” Bucky replies, taken aback with your response. “None of us could. We were totally helpless. You were the one that killed that thing, you saved us.”

“But what if I hadn’t? I can’t put the team in that kind of danger again. I can’t put _you_ in that kind of danger again.” Fear mixes in with your anger.

“We’re always in danger,” he remarks, voice softening as he continues. “But you… you had the strength to push that thing out of your head. You won’t put us in danger, you’ll keep us safe.”

His words echo in your mind.

\--

_Movement beside you wakes you from your sleep. It’s Bucky. He’s muttering something incoherently, starting to thrash back and forth in the bed. A nightmare._

_You’d dealt with this before. Although his nightmares had decreased in frequency, and by a lot according to him, they still hadn’t stopped completely. You hated seeing him like this._

_You sit up, reaching over to flick on the lamp beside your bed. A faint warm glow floods the room. Bucky’s chest is heaving beside you, his breathing rapid._

_You look over and study Bucky’s face. It’s contorted with some kind of distress. His mouth is still moving but you can’t make sense of the sounds. You gently graze your hand across the crown of his head, calling his name in a soothing voice. You’d previously established that soft touches and noises were the best way to rouse him; anything too rough or harsh might add to his hysteria._

_You gently thread your fingers through his hair, and his eyes flutter open. His steely gaze is filled with anxiety and terror for a moment, before his eyes settle on you._

_“Hey, Buck,” you murmur, “It’s okay. I’m here.”_

_His breathing slows as you continue to run your hand through his hair, and as he gazes around the room, his panic fades. He sighs and looks back to you._

_“I’m sorry for waking you,” he whispers, voice raspy._

_You pause your movement to untangle your fingers from his hair to run your thumb across his cheekbone and smile softly at him._

_“I don’t mind. Do you want to talk about it?”_

_He shakes his head slightly, and closes his eyes as your hand find its way back to his scalp. You turn off the light, and when you lie back, Bucky slings an arm around your waist, pulling you closer to him. He lays his head on your shoulder._

_“Thank you for just being here, doll. You make me feel… safe.” You can feel the faint vibrations of his voice. He yawns._

_“I’ll always be here. I’ll keep you safe, I promise. Don’t worry.”_

\--

“Do you remember when I promised to keep you safe?” You ask delicately with the memory fresh in your mind.

Bucky pauses for a second as he thinks, then gently replies, “Of course.”

You take a deep breath.

“I made you a promise, and I intended to keep it.” You sigh. “That’s why I had to leave. I had to protect you from me.”

He stares back at you, softly, looking for any hint of a lie in your words. He studies your face intently before responding.

“Did you think I wouldn’t understand? You know I’ve been there before. I used to feel the exact same way.” Concern clouds his voice and face along with, at last, comprehension. “That is… before you showed me I didn’t have to.” 

You swallow.

“You could have talked to me. I would have been able to help you. To do what you did for me,” he says earnestly.

“I know… I just… I couldn’t face you. If I had, I don’t think I would’ve ever been able to leave,” you admit, finally.

“Why?” He quirks an eyebrow at you.

“I cared about you too much to stay… but I guess I knew you’d understand, you’d find a way to talk me out of it.” You pause, searching for the right words. “I would have been too weak to do what I needed to do.”

“Needed to?”

“It was what was best for you. I’d leave, we wouldn’t see each other again, you’d move on and so would I.”

He scoffs at you. “Best for me? And who gave you the right to decide that?”

You stare back, his response taking you by surprise.

“Do I not get a say in my own life?” he counters, crossing his arms defiantly. “I can make decisions for myself, thank you very much. What I do with my life is my concern. You can’t make up my mind for me.” 

You scramble for words, mouth dropping open at his sudden audacity. “I-I just wanted you to be safe-“

“And you know what?” he cuts you off, barely pausing his protest for your answer. “I know you’re not dangerous to me. But even if you were, it would be up to me, not you, if I would put myself in that danger.” 

You recoil slightly, and he inhales, calming himself down and pressing his eyes shut. When they open again, the rage is gone from his face, replaced with a look of sincerity sparkling in his bright eyes. He begins speaking again, gingerly this time. 

“I know what’s best for me, and it’s always been you.” His eyes bore into yours. “You said you wanted us to move on. Did that work for you?”

You shake your head.

“Me either.”

Your eyes meet and you share a look filled with a mix of emotions; anguish, despair, loneliness, heartbreak, and above all, _longing._

Finally, your resolve breaks. Bucky’s been right all along; you always knew he would be. You were terrified of hurting him, but you couldn’t _protect_ him if you weren’t with him. You were still worried about your powers, but running from them wasn’t the answer. Before all of this, you had learned to control them. It _wasn’t_ your fault that day, but it _was_ you who stopped things from going too far. Somehow, you fought that thing out of your head. It was because of Bucky, you realize. Bucky was your strength. You two were stronger together. With him, you could make it through anything. 

You break away first, and manage to choke out “I’m sorry,” as your emotions overwhelm you. 

In an instant, Bucky is beside you and pulling you up into his strong arms. Without thinking, you bury your head into his chest, and _oh god,_ you missed this. His embrace is like a blanket, warm and comforting, as you let all of the feelings you had buried deep within yourself pour out. You’re grateful Bucky is supporting all of your weight as you cling to him, because you certainly would have collapsed by now otherwise. You feel him press his lips to the top of your head, and his breath hitches. You remain just like that for a few minutes; you leaning on Bucky as he holds you tightly to him. You swear you can hear him sniffle.

Bucky picks you up and sits you both on the bed as you remain curled into him. When you finally break away and look up at him, his eyes are watery, confirming your suspicions. The two of you just gaze at each other for a few seconds.

“I’m sorry, Bucky… I’m so sorry,” you repeat, and he just shakes his head at you.

“You thought you were doing the right thing.”

“I didn’t really, though. I was... I was just scared.” You look down before whispering, “I’m still scared.”

He cups your chin and raises your face so you’re looking at him again.

“We’ll work through this, together.” The sincerity and warmth in his eyes makes you swoon.

“How can you forgive me for all of this?” You blink at him disbelief. 

“Easy, doll. I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes, I'm so sorry this update took so long and that I basically fell off the Earth. I got super busy and got frustrated with writing for a while. I had this written the whole time but didn't want to post it because I had second thoughts about where I was taking this story, but I'm happy with it now. I hope you'll all forgive me. After all, I did give you some sort of resolution in this chapter, haha. It's not quite over yet though. 
> 
> I'm trying to make this story ten chapters, but I would totally consider doing a second "part" of this story and continuing on with the same reader and backstory and everything if that's something you guys would want. Let me know!
> 
> Also, just in case you guys are one tumblr, I'm posting these on my blog now - which is just winterphantom. I will also accept requests there and would love to chat with you all, so feel free to follow me there! 
> 
> I will try to get the next part up as soon as I can. Thanks for reading. :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can you handle being an Avenger again?

You register something heavy draped across your torso, and a warmth radiating from beside you.

Your eyes flutter open. You look up and see him. _Bucky._

For a second you wonder if he’s real, or if this is just like all of those times over the past months you found yourself imagining him. But you can feel his arm wrapped around your waist along with the rise and fall of his chest beneath where your head is resting. You can hear his soft breathing. And you know that finally, you have him back. Or, more accurately you guess, _he_ got _you back._

You feel yourself smile, but struggle not to move or make any noise. He looks so peaceful, sleeping soundly. His eyes are shut, subtle movements evident behind his pale eyelids in contrast with his dark, full lashes. His mouth relaxed, with full lips open slightly as he breathes. Brown hair messily falling around his face and over the bed. A pang of guilt cuts into your happiness as you wonder how many times he’d been able to sleep this well without you. You already know the answer. 

You push those thoughts away, eager to bask in the joy of being reunited with Bucky for just a little while longer. You guess you two must’ve fallen asleep. It made sense, you were both emotionally drained and had been complete wrecks for months. You’d been exhausted, and being curled up in Bucky’s arms always effectively put you to sleep. You sigh, content to stay like this forever.

However, your bliss is interrupted by a buzzing in your pocket. Groaning quietly, you grab your phone as carefully as possible. Multiple text messages show up on the screen.

_What happened? You two good? - Tony_

_Are you going to come back? - Tony_

_Kid, you better answer me. - Tony_

_You still alive? - Tony_

_Are you ignoring Tony? - Bruce_

_You might want to answer him. I don’t want him to break anything. - Bruce_

_If anyone’s going to break anything, it will be Banner when he hulks out because you won’t answer him. - Tony_

You roll your eyes and try not to groan again. They were such children sometimes. 

“I wonder who that is,” Bucky says, sarcasm evident in his gravelly voice.

You peer back up at him, and see him grinning down at you. You mimic his expression and toss your phone to the side.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up,” you apologize.

Bucky just sighs contentedly and wraps his other arm around you, crushing you into his chest. You giggle as you nuzzle your face into his shirt. 

“I missed you so much,” he says into your hair.

“I know. I missed you too,” you whisper back.

The two of you just lay together for a moment, before he asks, “Are you ready to go back?”

You exhale and turn to stare at the ceiling. You still weren’t sure if you were ready to be an Avenger again.

“I don’t know, Buck. Seeing them all again, it’s… a lot.”

“They all miss you, you know. Tony and Bruce especially.” He shoots you a lopsided grin.

You smile back pensively, still weighing the pros and cons in your head. You did miss them a lot, too. 

“Hey,” Bucky murmurs, suddenly serious as he takes your hand in his and entwines his fingers with yours. “You don’t have to do this alone, ok?”

“Yeah, I know.” You give him a real smile as you lay your head back on his shoulder. 

You lie in silence again as you think, weighing your options in your head. You did miss the team, and you missed the place that had become your home. But were you really ready to go back? Could you handle being an Avenger again? 

“I think… I think I’m ready to go back.”

You turn your head to look over at Bucky, who’s beaming at you. Before you even know what’s happening, he presses his lips to yours, pulling you tightly to him and flipping you over so that you’re lying on top of him. The kiss only lasts for a few seconds as you break apart, laughing. You brush some hair out of his face, hand resting on his cheek, as he looks up at you tenderly. It feels so… _normal._ Like before. But after all this time… maybe _you_ aren’t the same as before.

A flicker of worry passes over Bucky’s expression, as if he can sense your train of thought. You flop over so that you’re lying beside him again. 

“What’s wrong?” he asks, expression concerned as he turns over to face you, resting on an elbow.

“I don’t know. I feel… different.” He nods as you continue. “I don’t know if I can be… normal… again. Yet.”

He’s silent for a second, thinking, full lips pressed together. 

“Is this what you want?” he inquires, his voice betraying just a bit of hurt.

“Yes, of course. I love you,” at this, his eyes light up again. “I’m just not sure how to move on… how to go back to how it used to be.”

“You taught me how to put myself back together once. Now it’s my turn to teach you.”

You can’t help but smile at him. You don’t know what you did to deserve James Buchanan Barnes, or why he hadn’t given up on you yet, but you knew that you’d never give _him_ up again.

“You’re incredible,” you murmur as he wraps a strand of your hair around his finger.

“Only because you made me that way.” 

He grins for a moment, then leans down and softly presses a kiss to your lips. You melt into him.

Your phone buzzes again.

You whine when Bucky pulls away as he chuckles lightly.

“You should answer them, Baby doll.” He picks up the phone from beside you and hands it to you.

You sigh but comply, answering the call.

“Hi, Tony.”

“Hi? That’s all you have to say to me after not answering for _hours_?” He begins ranting.

“Tony-“ you start, trying but failing to stop him.

“What happened? Are you and Frosty okay? You coming back?”

A thought crosses your mind.

“Listen Tony, I really can’t talk right now-“

“Don’t you _dare_ hang up on me!” He’s yelling now.

“Sorry, I’ll call you later, bye.”

“ _Don-_ “

You hang up, rolling your eyes at Bucky, who bursts out laughing.

“I have an idea,” you say, smirking mischievously.

“I know that look, doll. You’re plannin’ trouble,” he teases, the glint back in his eyes.

“I think it’s time to pay a visit to the Avengers.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! A nice happy chapter. You guys deserve it after reading this angsty mess, lol.
> 
> So it's official, there's only one chapter left. It's mostly just for fun but I hope you will all like it and that it will tie things up sufficiently, for now at least. I'm still strongly considering returning to this story in the future. For now though, I'm already 3000+ words in on a new Bucky x reader story, which I hope you guys will enjoy when I start posting it in the future. 
> 
> Thanks so much for all your support this far, writing this for you guys has been really enjoyable for and has helped keep me sane the past few months, haha. Look out for the last chapter, it's coming soon!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A reunion.

“Alright, thanks, Steve,” Bucky says, hanging up his phone. He turns to look at you.

“Tony and Bruce are in the lab. They won’t see us coming in.”

You expected that to be the answer. They were both such workaholics. 

You nod at him, butterflies in your stomach from both excitement and anxiety. Bucky gets out of the car, walks around to your side and opens your door for you, a gentleman as always. He takes your hand as you get out.

“You sure you’re okay with this?” He glances down at you, running his thumb over the back of your hand.

“Yeah, I’m okay. Besides,” you grin wickedly, “this will be fun.”

Bucky smirks back, shaking his head.

“I almost feel bad for doing this. Almost.”

\--

You stand outside of the lab, careful not to make much noise as Bucky prepares to enter. He winks at you before his mask of stoicism falls into place and he reaches to open the door.

Bucky throws the door open harshly and storms into the lab. As he disappears, you listen closely to the ensuing conversation.

“Barnes? What the-“ Tony starts.

“She’s gone again, Stark.”

“What do you mean, _gone?_ ”

“What do you think I mean, Tony? She took off again.” Bucky spits the words out in annoyance. You never realized he was such a good actor.

“You let her get away? _You,_ world’s deadliest assassin?” Tony’s voice rises.

“What can I say, Stark? She’s gotten good at running away.” Bucky’s voice fades as you hear footsteps. He’s leading them to the other side of the lab.

“I really thought she would have come to her senses…” Bruce chimes in.

Tony sighs.

“If I ever find her again, I’m going to kill her.”

You stifle a laugh.

“So what do you _geniuses_ propose we do now?” 

That’s your cue.

You peer into the lab. Bruce and Tony have their backs to you, listening to Bucky rant about what happened. The perfect distraction. You creep up behind them, quietly. Bucky continues speaking, as if you’re not there at all.

“She wouldn’t explain, she just kept telling me to leave-“

“Of course she would say that!” Tony throws his hands up in exasperation. “You know her well enough to know she’s stubborn as hell. You should have been more persistent with her!”

“I would say he was pretty persistent.” You state plainly, crossing your arms.

Tony and Bruce turn on their heels, total shock evident on their faces. You raise an eyebrow and them and Bucky doubles over laughing. Before you can even process what he’s doing, Tony grabs you, hugging you and spinning you around. 

“You’re gonna be the death of me, kid,” he says, grinning, as he sets you down. You giggle at him.

“I missed you too, Tony,” you respond and his grin widens.

You turn to Bruce and pull him into a hug. 

“It’s good to have you back,” he tells you cheerfully. When you let him go, he faces you, assessing you with his gaze. “Are you okay?”

Tony lays his hand on your shoulder. You glance around, from Bruce, to Tony, and finally land on Bucky. Your eyes meet, and you see real happiness there. 

“Yeah,” you smile. “I’m gonna be fine.”

“Good, because you’re way behind with work. And now you owe me, like, a bunch of money…” Tony points a finger at you as you shrug his hand off.

You roll your eyes dramatically at him. “I think you’ll manage.”

He raises his eyebrows and turns to look pointedly at Bucky.

“Don’t even get me started on all the stuff that Sergeant Moody over there broke.”

You raise your eyebrows at Bucky who just smiles back, albeit a bit sheepishly. Tony crosses his arms.

“You guys should probably go get some rest,” Bruce suggests, trying to get Tony off of your back. You smile at him thankfully.

“Yeah, you’re right. I’ll see you guys here tomorrow?” You ask, glancing at Tony.

“You better not be late!” He yells jokingly at you as Bucky wraps an arm around your shoulder and leads you out of the lab. 

You sigh contently as you walk back to the room that you and Bucky had shared before all of this. You glance at him and reach up to his hand, resting near your shoulder, and entwine your fingers with his. His sparkling blue gaze meets yours.

“Feel good to be back home, doll?” he asks you.

You nod.

“You have no idea,” you respond sincerely. “I missed it more than I thought. And I missed you.”

As the two of you smile at each other, you know that you were telling the truth earlier, when Bruce had asked you how you were.

You were going to be just fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end.
> 
> (For now?)
> 
> I'm SO sorry that this was super delayed again, life got pretty hectic the last few weeks. But I hope you all enjoyed this ending and that it was a fitting conclusion to this story. I figured something lighter and more fun was in order.
> 
> I can't thank you all enough for supporting this story. I've really loved writing it for you guys. Like I mentioned before, I'm still brainstorming ideas for a sequel series sort of thing to this story, so if other people would want to read that and I can think of a good enough idea, I would totally be open to making a second part to this in the future.
> 
> As for now, I'm working on that new Bucky series which I will hopefully start posting in the next few weeks (after exams), and I hope that some of you will want to check it out. I'm also working on a request from tumblr, where you guys are welcome to send me requests too (my url is winterphantom). 
> 
> Well, I guess that's it for now. Thanks again for everything, I appreciate every comments and kudos I get, and it makes me so happy that people find some enjoyment in my writing! Hopefully I'll be talking to some of you again soon. :)


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